#126 How do coaches meet the relational needs of their coachees?
I’m studying Transactional Analysis just now at the foundation year level. Last week, our training cohort was introduced to Erskine and Trautmann’s (1996) eight core relational needs that are fundamental to human connection and emotional well-being:
Security and Safety: The need to feel physically and emotionally protected.
Validation and Affirmation of Personal Experience: The desire for others to acknowledge and understand our emotions and experiences.
Acceptance by a Stable, Dependable, and Protective Other: Feeling accepted by someone who is emotionally consistent and non-judgmental and empathises with our experience.
Confirmation of Shared Experience: The desire to share meaningful moments and experiences with others who have similar experiences to ours.
Self-Definition: The ability to express individuality and establish boundaries without fear of rejection.
Impact: The need to feel that who we are and what we do makes a difference to others.
Initiative from the Other: Feeling valued when others take the initiative to connect or engage.
The need to express love: This is about expressing gratitude mutually and reciprocally, experiencing relationships as balanced and respectful, with mutual give-and-take.
These needs highlight the importance of relationships in shaping our sense of self and emotional health. This got me thinking about how coaching might provide these needs:
1. Security and Safety: Coach and coachee co-creating a psychologically safe space for coaching.
Validation and Affirmation of Personal Experience: The coach provides clear “you are enough” messages to the coachee, i.e. offers unconditional positive regard.
Acceptance by a Stable, Dependable, and Protective Other: The coachee feels accepted by an emotionally consistent and non-judgmental coach who empathises with their experience. I wonder whether this relational need goes some way to demonstrating why coachees choose coaches who share their experiences, e.g. CEOs look for coaches who are former CEOs, neurodivergent coachees seek neurodivergent coaches, etc.
Confirmation of Shared Experience: The coaching session provides opportunities for the coach and coachee to share meaningful moments. Again, this also contributes to coachees choosing coaches who have similar experience to themselves (see 3 above).
Self-Definition: Coaching is all about individual change; the coachee can define their personal and professional vision and the coach helps them to work towards it.
Impact is an interesting one. Coaches needs to feel they impact the coachee’s goals, but the best coaching relationships also involve the coachee impacting the coach too. Coachees want their coach to be operating at their learning edge, and to stretch the coach’s skills to meet their challenges.
Initiative from the Other: The coach has a first-mover responsibility to take the initiative to help their coachees. “What do you want to talk about today?” seems like a great opening coaching question as it keeps the energy with the coachee. However, it might detract from the relationship. Reaching out between sessions to stay engaged and offering a more insightful opening question builds the relationship.
The need to express love: Coaches and coachees need to give and receive feedback and gratitude from each other.
I share these ideas tentatively. What is your experience of how coaches meet the relational needs of their coachees?
Reference: Erskine, R.G. and Trautmann, R.L. (1996). Methods of an Integrative Psychotherapy, Transactional Analysis Journal, 26(4): 316-328.
