#147 Empathy in coaching: the power of a considerate connection
Why Coaches Fail
This is the ninth in a series of 12 posts about why coaches fail. Being a great coach is about getting the balance just right between not enough and too much, the so-called Goldilocks Effect.
Coaches might underplay or overplay certain behaviours and derail the chances of successfully helping their clients reach their goals. Great coaches manage to strike a balance between these extremes and get it just right.
Today, I’ll explore the use of empathy in coaching, show why empathising authentically and congruently is so important for effective coaching, and how to get the balance right for yourself.
Empathy in coaching: the power of a considerate connection
Empathy is the connective tissue of coaching. When used with care, it builds trust, deepens insight and creates a space where clients feel truly seen. But when we over-empathise, or don’t empathise at all, we can distort the coaching relationship.
Some coaches remain emotionally detached, focusing solely on goals, frameworks or cognitive insight. They may listen attentively, but without emotional consideration. This indifference can leave clients feeling unseen or invalidated. The coaching becomes transactional - efficient, perhaps, but not transformative.
At the other extreme, coaches may become overly invested in their client’s emotions. They feel with the client so intensely that boundaries blur. Their empathy becomes entanglement. This can lead to emotional over-identification, where the coach’s responses are shaped more by their own feelings than the client’s needs. Projective identification and countertransference may creep in, and the coaching space becomes reactive rather than reflective. This can lead to compassion fatigue and coach burnout.
The balance lies in authentic, congruent empathy. Coaches who respond empathically - without absorbing or amplifying their client’s emotions - create a safe, resonant space. They notice emotion, name it gently and invite their clients to explore it for themselves. Their empathy is grounded, not performative. It allows the client to feel held, but not carried. This kind of empathy offers considered emotional congruence, insight and psychological safety, enabling deeper insight and real change.
Three tips to use empathy with consideration:
Stay self-aware: notice when your emotional response is about you, not them. It can be very useful to explore this in supervision.
Hold, don’t absorb: be present to emotion without becoming engulfed by it. Breathe, stay grounded and centred, and reflect the emotion back.
Empathise with purpose: use empathy to deepen awareness, not to rescue or soothe prematurely.
Empathy isn’t about feeling compassion for; it’s about being with. And when it’s considered and congruent, it becomes a catalyst for transformation.
Visit https://www.growthecoach.com/free-resources to download an at-a-glance summary of all the coaching derailers.
